So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
