is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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