The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
