Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
