I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
