My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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