I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
