I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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