when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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