It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
