I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
