Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
