i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
