guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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