Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
