I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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