I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
