I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
