i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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