I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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