omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
as a side note pls kill me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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