I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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