Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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