I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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