He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up under a house in Key West
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