Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I met the friendliest cop last night
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
