Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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