and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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