All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
