lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
