Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
even my farts smell like vagina
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
