Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
