I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
