Already got asked if we're dating
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
two words: eviction party
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
