My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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