how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
he fucked my hip out of place.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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