stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
