I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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