debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
