Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
