i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
