I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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