Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
