it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
