Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
