Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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