He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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