If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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