just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
