i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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