OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
