My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
