And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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