We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
