I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
