My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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