Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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