My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
