So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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