I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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