That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this boner is exhausting
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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