My Higher Power is John Stamos
I met the friendliest cop last night
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.