I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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